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This album was meant to be a sequel to Joyless. I think it feels a lot like the aftermath in that sense. It’s a lot quieter in places, chaotic in others. There's humor and hurt tangled together, but it's overall a lot more positive and brighter in so many ways. I'm a lot prouder of this project probably because I was a lot more experimental and daring with it. It didn't do as well (initially) probably because of that, but I think it actually did better than the first in the long run so I'm glad some people managed to appreciate it as much as I do |
This is the first and only project I sang on. I have some experience being in black metal bands so I thought it would be this brutal contrast. I kinda dig out it turned out.
There's nothing quite like waking up and seeing everything covered in snow—quiet, cold, still. There's something magical about it but it's also kind of isolating. It felt like the right way to start this set: beautiful, but distant. One of my favourite things in the world. There's bursts of energetic joy in here to reflect that but it's mixed in with that quiet, isolating cold. I snuck a sonic colours sample in here somewhere that im super proud of. You'd never know.
Yeah… it’s a dark title. Almost hilariously too over the top, but that was the point of this whole album. I just thought it would be really funny to make it this overly happy, fast, upbeat song with a title like that. I made a good use of a borrowed tb303 here and I'm still really proud of it.
This came from a similar idea. I have sad memories associated with RIP groove's double 99 and as a kid listening to it on late nights I always thought the "brukwine" sample was saying "don't Cry", so I tried to turn it into that. Which is funny considering how upbeat a track it is. I just thought it was a fun idea to try and jam a square peg into a round hole so to speak. It's one of my few traditional "pure" breakcore tracks and I look back on it fondly for that.
This one is kind of cheesy and simple. It comes from that feeling of people out with freinds and suddenly feeling your social battery die. That feeling of being so incredibly far away from everyone in the room. I feel so cold and empty inside and you want nothing more than to be anywhere else. I don't hate my freinds but I suffer with this a lot and it makes me feel like a bad person. This was an attempt to put all of this into a sound.
Brutally honest. I think people tend to hate me because I'm quiet and it makes me feel like a bad person. This track is me turning that voice in my head into sound—just saying the thing I usually try to bury. It’s self-aware, a little mean, but real. The philosophy of the entire album is its strongest here. I "screamed" some black metal'ish vocals over the top of this in an attempt to "let it out", but the instrumental is so insanely happy that I think there's this incredible dissonance to this track that I've ever heard before. It's weird for sure, a lot like me. But I'm proud that I made this. And I don't hate that.
Following the theme of the album I set out to write one of the most disgustingly sweet and sickeningly happy/cutesy songs ever made. This is hands down the worst song I have ever made in my life and if nothing else I'm glad it's out of the way. As the name suggests; sweet poison. bright and fun on the surface, but it wrecks your insides. The idea came from how hard I try to make these harsh, rough, angry songs to elicit all these strong emotions but hilariously the easiest and most effective way to do that is actually through something as horrific as this. Of all the dark and horrific, sounds I've created this one is the "worst".
This was intended to sound like a glitch in your system, like something being fundamentally wrong with you at a biological/chemical level, because that's what misery feels like. Dylana’s is a really talented singer, especially when it comes to this hardcore punk style. It made the track feel chaotic, in a good way—like two people breaking down in harmony. It’s messy, but it’s meant to be.
Again, back to the theme of the album. This comes from a time in which I saw a cool rainbow but no one I went to tell about it seemed to care. It was the first time in my life I felt like the only happy person in the world. But is that a bad thing too? Sometimes I overthink every little thing until I'm suspicious of something as mundane and pleasant as a rainbow. This track is about trying to accept that maybe a rainbow is just a rainbow because I almost don't want to believe that.
This one’s kind of unhinged on purpose. Like, "haha everything is funny and also I'm dying inside." I was kind of sarcastically ranting about brain chemistry and the way we blame serotonin or dopamine or whatever when really chemicals have almost everything to do with everything we feel. It’s jokey but bitter and resentful at the same time. We can change the way we feel with drugs or even just music and other media. I put a number of really nostalgic outschool dnb samples in here to reflect that.
I say this way too much. It’s basically my default apology for existing slightly offbeat. This track is a shrug and a sigh and maybe a little bit of pride in being different, even if I don’t always like it. I think I see this as being the album's "title track", because it does everything I set out to do here. It's very similar to Even I Hate Me in the philosophy behind the vocals and instrumental but there's actual lyrics here (believe it or not lol) that mean a lot to me.
This is a cover of that royalty free song that used to play on old keygens and the splash screens of cracked/pirated software. For the longest time no one knew where it came from and the only way to hear it was on a youtube video titled "it is a mystery", referring to where the song had come from. I love this song so much, it means a lot to me. There's something about the dreary comfy ominous melody and instrumentation. The mystery of it. People found it later and it turned out to be a Christmas song, but I always associated it with ghosts because of the low quality jpeg used in the video. It made it perfect for my outro track.
It’s awkward, honest, sometimes a joke. A lot of the time I gave up on making it cohesive. I just wanted it to exist. Sometimes that’s enough.
Peace xx
